So much for everyday.

Why is it that every time I start a blog I forget I have it?
Too much has gone on since the last time I wrote anything so I guess it's best for cliff notes.

The wife and I separated. My choice.
I know it's what she wanted but couldn't bring herself to do it.
She's happier. Figuring out a lot about herself. It's a little rough because I do miss her but it's ok. I know it's for the better. I let her go. We're getting along well.

I was happy and then all fucking hell broke lose in my heart. 

One thing I failed to mention before was the fact I was seeing a girl from another town for a while.
Oh my god what did I fuck up? Seems to be a theme here.

So we started seeing each other 2 months ago. I would take trips to go see her, spend the weekends. It seriously was magical. I knew her from years before when lost track of her for 12 years. Some 12 years ago we used out hang out all the time. Occasional make-out sessions, but we never were a couple. I had moved away and she ended up having 2 kids, going to school... she did very well for herself considering what she's had to go through to get here. For the years after I left I always thought about her. Random times, nothing constant, but she was definitely someone who made an impact on my memory.

I fell in love with her. I knew I shouldn't have but I did. We talked every day, sent texts back and forth. She wanted me to leave my wife, maybe not in those words but I know it's what she wanted. Always talking about selfish thoughts. I wanted to be with her. But I had to deal with the wife first, and the way I wanted it to be wasn't easy. I didnt want the wife to know that I had cheated, I'd rather avoid that and keep out relationship on good ground.

She was perfect. Small petite body, long brown hair, beautiful eyes, had a sense of humor, successful, awesome kids, smokes cigarettes, likes punk music, likes dnb, likes all the same shows I do, good kisser, absolutely fun in bed.

It all went bad after an out of town trip.
I don't know what started it.
But I left her house on a Saturday and I felt it. I think I denied it at first. But I had asked her to be my girlfriend. and she said no. I thought she wanted to be more serious than we were. I didn't get a txt from her for two days. Basically saying sorry she had been distant. I of course took it personal which I know I shouldnt have.

I shouldn't have asked.  I knew better but I knew I wanted her. If she would have said yes I would have gone home and told the wife I met someone else. That would have been it. I wouldn't tell her the whole story.

Over the course of the next two weeks I'd send the occasional txt but I never got anything.
WHAT THE FUCK? for two months straight of talking every day, telling me she wanted me there, to leave my wife and come be with her. Nothing. I kind of lost it. This girl that I had fallen in love with has ceased talking to me. I spoke to her friend occasionally and she would say that she hadn't talked to the girl and that she just needs time.

I had driven to a show in the other city this last Saturday. the night before I had written the girl a long letter saying I'm sorry, I do in fact love you, told her the circumstances of me and the wife. She didnt write me back because she had graudated that day. Which was fine, I undersatnd not having the time to write back. It's cool.

So Sunday morning I wanted to stop by her house and pick up my sweatshirts. I was prepared to say hi, ask for my stuff and walk away never see her again. But she wasn't home, I flipped out. I was emotionally crushed, I had prepared myself for this and it wasn't going to happen. I sent her a few txts that I shouldn't have in retrospect and went home.

I sent her another message apologizing, I shouldn't have done that. and basically pleaded for her to give me something. She wrote back. "I met someone else and it's not appropriate to talk to you."

What the fuck? Really? I don't believe her. But she did say that's it.

The reason I don't believe her is because I had sent a message to her friend that morning asking if there was a chance and she said nope. The girl was dealing with a crazy ex and life.

I smelled bullshit when she replied with I met someone else but whatever.  Why couldn't she just tell me? She knew I was going through hell, why couldn't she just be honest with me? I mean if you fucking care about someone you should just tell them the truth. NO FILTERS.

I don't understand how this could have happened. I thought she was in love with me too. I'm crushed.

I want to send her another letter but I know it's not going to do any good. I just want to really know the reason why. Why after all of the selfish thoughts and amazing weekends together just throw it all away like that?

I hate the feeling like I looked like a love-crazed fuck, but I was pretty calm through the whole thing until that Sunday morning. I just wanted to know what was going on. If i had gotten a response it wouldn't have been so bad. 

I miss her. Her smell. Her kisses. I even miss her dogs. Oh yeah she was a dog person too.
Fuck. How did it go wrong?

One day I hope to know the answer. I really could have spent the rest of my life with this girl.
She was that amazing. I wish I could let her go. Every ounce of me wants to hold on to the thought that we could be happy together and deny the fact she wants nothing to do with me.

Each day will get better and she'll fade into another memory. It's not what I want. But it'll have to do.