So much for everyday.

Why is it that every time I start a blog I forget I have it?
Too much has gone on since the last time I wrote anything so I guess it's best for cliff notes.

The wife and I separated. My choice.
I know it's what she wanted but couldn't bring herself to do it.
She's happier. Figuring out a lot about herself. It's a little rough because I do miss her but it's ok. I know it's for the better. I let her go. We're getting along well.

I was happy and then all fucking hell broke lose in my heart. 

One thing I failed to mention before was the fact I was seeing a girl from another town for a while.
Oh my god what did I fuck up? Seems to be a theme here.

So we started seeing each other 2 months ago. I would take trips to go see her, spend the weekends. It seriously was magical. I knew her from years before when lost track of her for 12 years. Some 12 years ago we used out hang out all the time. Occasional make-out sessions, but we never were a couple. I had moved away and she ended up having 2 kids, going to school... she did very well for herself considering what she's had to go through to get here. For the years after I left I always thought about her. Random times, nothing constant, but she was definitely someone who made an impact on my memory.

I fell in love with her. I knew I shouldn't have but I did. We talked every day, sent texts back and forth. She wanted me to leave my wife, maybe not in those words but I know it's what she wanted. Always talking about selfish thoughts. I wanted to be with her. But I had to deal with the wife first, and the way I wanted it to be wasn't easy. I didnt want the wife to know that I had cheated, I'd rather avoid that and keep out relationship on good ground.

She was perfect. Small petite body, long brown hair, beautiful eyes, had a sense of humor, successful, awesome kids, smokes cigarettes, likes punk music, likes dnb, likes all the same shows I do, good kisser, absolutely fun in bed.

It all went bad after an out of town trip.
I don't know what started it.
But I left her house on a Saturday and I felt it. I think I denied it at first. But I had asked her to be my girlfriend. and she said no. I thought she wanted to be more serious than we were. I didn't get a txt from her for two days. Basically saying sorry she had been distant. I of course took it personal which I know I shouldnt have.

I shouldn't have asked.  I knew better but I knew I wanted her. If she would have said yes I would have gone home and told the wife I met someone else. That would have been it. I wouldn't tell her the whole story.

Over the course of the next two weeks I'd send the occasional txt but I never got anything.
WHAT THE FUCK? for two months straight of talking every day, telling me she wanted me there, to leave my wife and come be with her. Nothing. I kind of lost it. This girl that I had fallen in love with has ceased talking to me. I spoke to her friend occasionally and she would say that she hadn't talked to the girl and that she just needs time.

I had driven to a show in the other city this last Saturday. the night before I had written the girl a long letter saying I'm sorry, I do in fact love you, told her the circumstances of me and the wife. She didnt write me back because she had graudated that day. Which was fine, I undersatnd not having the time to write back. It's cool.

So Sunday morning I wanted to stop by her house and pick up my sweatshirts. I was prepared to say hi, ask for my stuff and walk away never see her again. But she wasn't home, I flipped out. I was emotionally crushed, I had prepared myself for this and it wasn't going to happen. I sent her a few txts that I shouldn't have in retrospect and went home.

I sent her another message apologizing, I shouldn't have done that. and basically pleaded for her to give me something. She wrote back. "I met someone else and it's not appropriate to talk to you."

What the fuck? Really? I don't believe her. But she did say that's it.

The reason I don't believe her is because I had sent a message to her friend that morning asking if there was a chance and she said nope. The girl was dealing with a crazy ex and life.

I smelled bullshit when she replied with I met someone else but whatever.  Why couldn't she just tell me? She knew I was going through hell, why couldn't she just be honest with me? I mean if you fucking care about someone you should just tell them the truth. NO FILTERS.

I don't understand how this could have happened. I thought she was in love with me too. I'm crushed.

I want to send her another letter but I know it's not going to do any good. I just want to really know the reason why. Why after all of the selfish thoughts and amazing weekends together just throw it all away like that?

I hate the feeling like I looked like a love-crazed fuck, but I was pretty calm through the whole thing until that Sunday morning. I just wanted to know what was going on. If i had gotten a response it wouldn't have been so bad. 

I miss her. Her smell. Her kisses. I even miss her dogs. Oh yeah she was a dog person too.
Fuck. How did it go wrong?

One day I hope to know the answer. I really could have spent the rest of my life with this girl.
She was that amazing. I wish I could let her go. Every ounce of me wants to hold on to the thought that we could be happy together and deny the fact she wants nothing to do with me.

Each day will get better and she'll fade into another memory. It's not what I want. But it'll have to do.

Love is a powerful drug when it first enters the bloodstream. There are books and reports and blogs and newspaper columns all dedicated to the subject. It's a well known fact the the love feeling only lasts for 1-3 years and then after that it is "work." I know most of the theories came from professionals in the career, but I called bullshit on that a long time ago. I still love my wife. I'm still in love with my wife. But am I really just in love with the idea of my wife. My idea of her used to be this sex goddess with dark hair and beautiful eyes that loved me for me and all of my flaws. I still see her as a goddess but one who cannot stand my flaws, and definitely not the sex crazed girl I once knew.

This "ceremony" that we are going to have on our anniversary is still throwing me off. I spoke with a friend about it last night and pretty much decided that if you are going to forgive and forget then burning pieces of paper to do so shouldn't be needed. Basically all it does is say "here are all of the things you've fucked up on in the last 7 years on paper. Here are all of the things that I've had to put up with and deal with." I don't need to hear it one more time and I don't need to burn a piece of paper signifying the forgiveness. If you forgive me then don't bring it up. Let it go. I still don't know what to write. I tend to think I don't hold any grudges. I can't think of something she's done in the past to make me feel so strongly that I have to write it down and send it to ash.

I did tell her I couldn't think of anything to write. She said it can be anything, things to accomplish, goals, etc. I think by doing that is missing the point.

Enough sideskipping work. Maybe more later.

Pop goes the cherry.

So I started a blog once before. Maybe had two posts on it before I gave up. Lately I've had the urge to write again. Maybe its because I've been watching Californication on Showtime and it has been giving me ideas. Maybe not to write a story but to have a place to put my thoughts. Maybe the public domain isn't the best idea for this but you don't me, and I don't know you. so go fuck yourself ;)

So. A bit of a back story. I'm a 30-something web designer with a wife, an awesome kid, a debt problem and a bad work ethic. Hell, right now I should be working on finishing a project but instead I am here pouring thoughts out of my head. Eh such is life.

This is going to be my place to dump my thoughts on occasion. I'm going to make it a point to write here everyday.A journal of sorts. I never liked penning things down, typing is easier and faster.

For today's post, I'm still a little mixed on even where to begin. There is so much to write but so little time to do so. My wife and I have been together 9 years, married almost 7 (in 4 days actually). Over the last 7 years I have managed to disappoint my wife in ways that any other woman would have left a long time ago. I believe this to be love, but at what cost? No, of course I'm not going to canvas the entirety of my failures but let's just say I have been known to be selfish, grumpy, and whiny with a little bit of 7yearold thrown in the mix. We are all human, we all have this in us.

The question is often asked... What makes you Happy?
Happy? That's a good fucking question.
Well there things I like: making music, djing, hanging out with friends, playing call of duty, jumping on the trampoline with my son, going fishing, snowboarding, skateboarding, killing time on the internet reading about stuff that really doesn't serve a purpose other than to kill braincells, I like to watch a whole slew of tv shows, I like having beers with random places with my bestfriend... the list goes on.

What I normally don't even think about is does my wife make me happy? I think she does... she used to at least. I still look at her to this day and can't believe I landed such a woman. Beautiful inside and out, but I can't tell if she's really the same person I fell in love with, so I can't really tell if she makes me happy. I have this idea that we could be happy together. But for some reason I get hung up on my own thoughts when it comes down to it.

Some times I think it's our belief system. I don't really have one. No god, the universe is huge and expansive and there's no way to really tell. I'm kind of one of those people that has to have proof I suppose. There is no doubt that human can transfer energy back and forth. My wife struggled with depression in her younger years and has since turned to yoga, meditation, eating super duper healthy and wanting to be around those who share the same energy. I kinda don't buy into that kinda of stuff. I don't know why, I really did give it a good try, I guess I just don't have it in me the same way other people do.  I like eating healthy and yoga has it's benefits (yoga pants) but its the rest I just don't have a connection with.

With that said, the wife wants me to be more involved in that. I don't think I can.
Example: On our anniversary she wants to go take mushrooms and have a little "ceremony" that involves burning pieces of paper to burn away the expectations and grudges and so on and so forth.

I have no clue on what to write.
I have plenty to write here.
But not on some piece of paper.
I stared at a note book for 20 minutes and didn't know what to write.

Am I just so clouded in my own head that I can't think of at least one thing to burn away. Or do I just need to burn myself out of the picture and let her go and be free to do what she feels is necessary to be happy. It's a complicated mess but I have to do some work now.