Love is a powerful drug when it first enters the bloodstream. There are books and reports and blogs and newspaper columns all dedicated to the subject. It's a well known fact the the love feeling only lasts for 1-3 years and then after that it is "work." I know most of the theories came from professionals in the career, but I called bullshit on that a long time ago. I still love my wife. I'm still in love with my wife. But am I really just in love with the idea of my wife. My idea of her used to be this sex goddess with dark hair and beautiful eyes that loved me for me and all of my flaws. I still see her as a goddess but one who cannot stand my flaws, and definitely not the sex crazed girl I once knew.

This "ceremony" that we are going to have on our anniversary is still throwing me off. I spoke with a friend about it last night and pretty much decided that if you are going to forgive and forget then burning pieces of paper to do so shouldn't be needed. Basically all it does is say "here are all of the things you've fucked up on in the last 7 years on paper. Here are all of the things that I've had to put up with and deal with." I don't need to hear it one more time and I don't need to burn a piece of paper signifying the forgiveness. If you forgive me then don't bring it up. Let it go. I still don't know what to write. I tend to think I don't hold any grudges. I can't think of something she's done in the past to make me feel so strongly that I have to write it down and send it to ash.

I did tell her I couldn't think of anything to write. She said it can be anything, things to accomplish, goals, etc. I think by doing that is missing the point.

Enough sideskipping work. Maybe more later.

Pop goes the cherry.

So I started a blog once before. Maybe had two posts on it before I gave up. Lately I've had the urge to write again. Maybe its because I've been watching Californication on Showtime and it has been giving me ideas. Maybe not to write a story but to have a place to put my thoughts. Maybe the public domain isn't the best idea for this but you don't me, and I don't know you. so go fuck yourself ;)

So. A bit of a back story. I'm a 30-something web designer with a wife, an awesome kid, a debt problem and a bad work ethic. Hell, right now I should be working on finishing a project but instead I am here pouring thoughts out of my head. Eh such is life.

This is going to be my place to dump my thoughts on occasion. I'm going to make it a point to write here everyday.A journal of sorts. I never liked penning things down, typing is easier and faster.

For today's post, I'm still a little mixed on even where to begin. There is so much to write but so little time to do so. My wife and I have been together 9 years, married almost 7 (in 4 days actually). Over the last 7 years I have managed to disappoint my wife in ways that any other woman would have left a long time ago. I believe this to be love, but at what cost? No, of course I'm not going to canvas the entirety of my failures but let's just say I have been known to be selfish, grumpy, and whiny with a little bit of 7yearold thrown in the mix. We are all human, we all have this in us.

The question is often asked... What makes you Happy?
Happy? That's a good fucking question.
Well there things I like: making music, djing, hanging out with friends, playing call of duty, jumping on the trampoline with my son, going fishing, snowboarding, skateboarding, killing time on the internet reading about stuff that really doesn't serve a purpose other than to kill braincells, I like to watch a whole slew of tv shows, I like having beers with random places with my bestfriend... the list goes on.

What I normally don't even think about is does my wife make me happy? I think she does... she used to at least. I still look at her to this day and can't believe I landed such a woman. Beautiful inside and out, but I can't tell if she's really the same person I fell in love with, so I can't really tell if she makes me happy. I have this idea that we could be happy together. But for some reason I get hung up on my own thoughts when it comes down to it.

Some times I think it's our belief system. I don't really have one. No god, the universe is huge and expansive and there's no way to really tell. I'm kind of one of those people that has to have proof I suppose. There is no doubt that human can transfer energy back and forth. My wife struggled with depression in her younger years and has since turned to yoga, meditation, eating super duper healthy and wanting to be around those who share the same energy. I kinda don't buy into that kinda of stuff. I don't know why, I really did give it a good try, I guess I just don't have it in me the same way other people do.  I like eating healthy and yoga has it's benefits (yoga pants) but its the rest I just don't have a connection with.

With that said, the wife wants me to be more involved in that. I don't think I can.
Example: On our anniversary she wants to go take mushrooms and have a little "ceremony" that involves burning pieces of paper to burn away the expectations and grudges and so on and so forth.

I have no clue on what to write.
I have plenty to write here.
But not on some piece of paper.
I stared at a note book for 20 minutes and didn't know what to write.

Am I just so clouded in my own head that I can't think of at least one thing to burn away. Or do I just need to burn myself out of the picture and let her go and be free to do what she feels is necessary to be happy. It's a complicated mess but I have to do some work now.